I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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