Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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