when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
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