Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize