another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My ATM looks so different sober.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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