but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
