He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
