Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
