I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
