my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
