i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
