she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
