his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
