Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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