woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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