im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You pole danced in your parka.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
