I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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