A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
