There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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