The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
