Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
