I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
