it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
