Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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