I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
