i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
