The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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