Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She is in my trunk
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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