Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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