burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think I just sharted jello shots
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
