Don't make out with my wife yet
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
