Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
