All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
