I want to make a zoo with you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize