i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
