I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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