if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
