Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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