i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
