fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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