I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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