omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
