I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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