You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I fill condoms, not promises.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
