So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
