Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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