He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
