it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize