yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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