her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
