No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
