do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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