Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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