Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
