He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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