Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The power of my boobs compel you
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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