I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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