I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
