today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
