mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
