I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
