conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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