There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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